there was a study done about how people need a certain amount of hugs a day to stay happy. but what happens when you go days without any affection. the only people i ever see are my coworkers and my customers. and i dont get hugs from them. i miss high school for the mere fact that i got love. physical love. every single day. i see the one friend i hardly have maybe once a week. if that. usually just for a trip to the gym for an hour or two. then we depart again. i dont understand why i cant find anyone who adores me as much as i adore them. friendship or lover wise.
i always want to start over. but im not even trying to do anything in the present. i dont know what to do. i now know how to prevent it. i just dont know how to solve problems. i guess im good at creating them. i need to stop being so fucking lazy. im starting to forget what a real smile feels like.
i feel so stupid.
i just want to pack up all my shit and leave and never come back. i hate everyone here. i dont have friends. im not close with my family. i love my job but the pay sucks. i just want to transfer to a different express somewhere in the united states and live there forever.
my happiness is most important and thats the one thing ive been ignoring this whole time. ive just been creating huge knots in my life and tying them off short. i honestly cannot take living like this anymore. i need change. i need something completely new.
ive lost my sense of difference between love and lust. ive been playing with boys like theyre toys and throwing them to the curb the minute they want to get serious. or the boys play with me and im falling for them while they just use me for pleasure.
im thinking about refilling my prescription finally. maybe itll make me a bit more outgoing and i can actually accomplish something for once in my life. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont.
